[JLR1969]

Just imagine being this guy:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.Apparently I had
cra**ed in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my

experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[OfficialBOLO]

This made me LOL at work just now, good stuff. Makes me glad that I never tried my Tazer on myself.

[TMP]

Its not often I laugh out loud on the web...but this did it

[merchomini]

jesus.........easier to just get mugged than doing that

[ZURICH]

Excelent tail of "daring do" or should that be DON'T I laughed so much I cried.

I have used the tazer whilst in HM Armed forces but never on myself,

just to make you feel a little better, we were practising using said device in a mock riot scenario, my oppo had hold of a rioter who was still giving him shit so he said drop him, use it now I cant hold him, so doing as I was told and fired, two steel darts on wires shot out straight into the rioter, "perfect shot" unfortunately my oppo had hold of both the rioters hands and also got the full force of the Tazer, and yes, i laughed till I cried, so did the whole snatch team.

[ZURICH]

Originally Posted by JLR1969

Just imagine being this guy:


PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my

experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Sir, you are a star, full respect for sharing this with us.

[KadeSdad]

Excellent stuff, that was truly laugh out loud reading.
Post of the week!

[Team Green2]

Fml this is hilarious

[JLR1969]

Just re-read this and it's still making me laugh....

[mowflow]

Seen this story a while ago but it still makes me laugh.

I was at a party a few years back and some nutter was talking about how to make a tazer from a disposable camera battery. Long and short of the story, none of us believed him so he searched the house found a camera and 30 minutes later blasted himself across the room. There was a blue flash come lightning bolt about a metre long and a bang like a huge firework going off next to your head.

[Jamese93]

Absolutely brilliant, nearly wet myself.....

[Baby Dave]

Very funny

[Palmnuts]

I've got to say Jon, this is extremely funny...made me laugh more than anything else recently

Originally Posted by mowflow

.....so he searched the house found a camera and 30 minutes later blasted himself across the room....

Having said that, this particular comment runs it close....equally hilarious mowflow