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      03-21-2019, 05:51 PM   #1
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Multiple Deaths in family, how I haven’t grieved (yet)

December 2015, my grandmother on my fathers side passed away due to health reasons.

October 2017, my grandmother on my mothers side passed away due to a toothache and that she was allergic to a medication.

July 2018 my cousin (42) was murdered by her bf who pushed her in front of a subway train in Brooklyn IIRC and the coward took his own life as well.

December 2018 my aunt who taught me how to drive stick in a then new 96 Eclipse passed away after feeling ill, went to the hospital and passed away. Only mid 60’s.

February 2019 my stepgrandfather (mother’s side) passed away due to health reasons.

Also my wife has lost her mother October 2015 and her uncle November 2016.

I have not grieved over the loss of my family members and cannot figure out why. Maybe I still cannot comprehend it or I am just avoiding grieving. Has anyone dealt with similar experiences?
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Also our E90 330 and 325 will soon have some sort of boost. So there is actually more of a chance to get more hp out of a 330 then a 335 in my opinion
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      03-21-2019, 05:57 PM   #2
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Everyone experiences grief differently. You have lost a number of people in your life but depending on how close you were to them it may not have had a big effect on you. I've seen lots of people who have lost people who were very close to them, and like I said people experience grief differently and you can't predict what it looks like. If you think that your response is something that you should be concerned about then talk to someone, you could start with a grief councillor.
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      03-21-2019, 06:01 PM   #3
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How have you grieved over other people? Are you expecting that you should have broken down, cried, threw a fit, and got drunk out your skull, but just not for these?

How close were you to these people, actually? Yeah, one taught you to drive stick way back in the 1900s, but how often did you see her once you had your own wheels??

My mom, God rest her soul, passed away last February. 2 of my brothers are still so torn up they can't sleep, can't move on. The other bro and I had our time of mourning, but moved on. I've had that vision of my mom in heaven, no pain, happily waiting for us to get there. Every now and then a tear wells up (like now) but its for myself, not for her.
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      03-21-2019, 06:11 PM   #4
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Yeah, what Wede said... I’m guessing you weren’t really really close to any of them, I could be wrong. I didn’t feel all that much, I hate to say, when my grandparents passed away, even though I liked them a lot. Same with aunts and uncles. Sorry to see them go, but.... life goes on... don’t beat yourself up, Fizoli...
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      03-22-2019, 10:43 AM   #5
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The first person to die that truly affected me was my grandmother. She and I were very close. It physically made me sick and I had a very difficult time with it. After a few days I seemed to acclimate to the situation and felt better that she was free of her cancerous meat suit and was no longer in pain.

When my father died it was a completely different experience. It was suicide and there was no note. He had been diagnosed with cancer the year before but had surgery and had it removed. He had also undergone a traumatic experience 2 months prior to his death and I feel this was the deciding factor. Without explanation or closure of why he chose to end his life, this caused a great deal of mixed emotions while trying to move on. This process took well over a year of therapy, medications and a lot of alone time trying to mentally process. Ultimately what helped I don't feel is a topic for conversation in this thread but eventually I did come to find peace with it.

As stated above, everyone grieves differently. I can't help but feel that maybe you are suppressing those emotions for one reason or another. At the end of the day as long as you aren't emotionally upset by any of it, especially concerning the fact that you haven't grieved, I wouldn't allow it to bother me too much. The post you have made inquiring does make me think that it bothers you that you haven't grieved. With this being the case I would be more concerned with these things compounding and hitting you all at once when you least expect it.

Might not be a bad idea to seek a small amount of counseling over it. It would beneficial to process and understand why you either won't or can't grieve versus it hitting you out of the blue. The human psyche is fragile thing and depression is no joke once it hits you. It takes a very mentally astute individual to overcome it whether it be on their own, with therapy or meds (which I do not recommend).

As stated on a video that I recently watched concerning anti-depressants. "Using medication to cure depression is like playing darts with something you assume is a dart in a dark room where there may or may not be a dartboard present."

Good luck and I hope for a positive outcome.
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      03-22-2019, 11:37 AM   #6
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I am sorry for your losses...

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      03-22-2019, 01:07 PM   #7
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I was close to my paternal grandparents growing up but they moved back to the homeland when I was in 7th grade. Grandfather passed 3 yrs later and grandmother passed 10 yrs later. I also wondered why I didn't get too emotional about it.

My other grandfather passed when I was in college and that did hit me. He used to visit every year.

I think it just comes down to how close you were with said individual.
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      03-22-2019, 02:18 PM   #8
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Damn, that's a real bad run in your family. Sorry to hear.
I remember your cousins murder on the local news here, absolutely horrific.
Don't have any advice to offer because I just don't know what would help but I guess you talking about it and getting if off your chest should be good. Hang in there.
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      03-24-2019, 10:13 PM   #9
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without death, life would has no meaning.

If a person lived forever, they would, eventually, accomplish anything.
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      03-25-2019, 10:40 AM   #10
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F30lolz at least appreciate a post so we know you are still with us.







no homo
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      03-26-2019, 07:10 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleWede View Post
F30lolz at least appreciate a post so we know you are still with us.







no homo
Sorry guys, been extremely busy with some ‘stuff’. I’ll report back later today with all your questions. I appreciate everyone’s feedback/concerns.

UncleWede, wanna know how I know you’re ghey?
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Also our E90 330 and 325 will soon have some sort of boost. So there is actually more of a chance to get more hp out of a 330 then a 335 in my opinion
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      03-26-2019, 07:34 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by F30lolz View Post
Sorry guys, been extremely busy with some ‘stuff’. I’ll report back later today with all your questions. I appreciate everyone’s feedback/concerns.

UncleWede, wanna know how I know you’re ghey?
I wanna know how you know......you know, so we'll all know.
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      03-26-2019, 10:29 AM   #13
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Yeah, inquiring minds want to know.

Good to see you back in the hood
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      03-26-2019, 11:37 AM   #14
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You cannot figure out why?

Allow me to explore. Sometimes my clients say they haven't grieved for various reasons... not wanting to feel the emotions and putting a lid on them... getting on with life and keeping busy so never thought about stopping to grieve... unable to grieve due to complexities in relationship with the deceased e.g. abuse from a primary care giver.

Grieving is very important but not the answer for everyone... for some people grieving doesn't help them... so it's about figuring out what might help you... you start by trying. If you notice you are hesitant and don't want to for example, cry... then you need to grieve.

When we don't grieve sometimes emotions can catch up with us... and bite us in later life.

How do we grieve? For someone who hasn't been able to cry or forced themselves to stop then crying is one... writing can help... writing a letter to the person you lost stating how much you miss them or what they meant to you... visiting places you stopped going because it's too painful a reminder... could be a beach you used to meet your loved one at. It could be meeting a close friend or family member of the person you lost to speak with them... remembering anniversaries... many ways but the point is to not block the process. Not to label the processes as something anyone else would be fine with... not to blame yourself or hate on yourself for grieving.

This might help. I recommend it to some of my clients:

https://www.amazon.com/Chicken-Soup-.../dp/1623611016

So in conclusion you may not have grieved because it didn't feel right, you blocked it, or didn't make time for it... or thought everything was okay and got on with life (or something else) but... even if everything seemed okay it is important to grieve. It's good you are asking questions and identifying you haven't grieved. Why haven't you? Too painful? Too busy? Not sure where to start?

Good on you for acknowledging you haven't grieved. No you are not abnormal. When we experience multiple losses it's sometimes difficult to know where to start. Many of my clients say it has been too much to acknowledge when it comes to multiple losses so they get on with life. Some fear they would fall apart if they commenced grieving. You won't. It might feel painful but in life... without the mud there can be no lotus. The lotus is a beautiful flower but it wouldn't be what it is without the mud and crud beneath it... that helps it to grow.

Grief therapy with an approved counsellor is also worth considering. Especially if you think or feel a lot of anger about your losses and don't know how to express it.

Hope this helps.
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      03-26-2019, 12:00 PM   #15
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I found a picture of UncleWede... I'll assume it was for Halloween!
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      03-26-2019, 12:05 PM   #16
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Sword is a little short, don't you think???
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      03-26-2019, 12:13 PM   #17
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I don't judge man...
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      03-26-2019, 01:40 PM   #18
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with the correct amount of insulin, I could EASILY resemble that pic
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      03-26-2019, 02:04 PM   #19
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Quote:
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with the correct amount of insulin, I could EASILY resemble that pic
I know what you mean!!
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      03-26-2019, 07:14 PM   #20
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I appreciate the responses from everyone here.

I was very close to my grandmother on my fathers side as she lived in Upstate NY when I lived in Queens growing up and eventually I moved to the same town she was in, Beacon, NY when I was 16 until I was 34 years old. She was the typical grandmother, cooked well, always asked how was school, girls (lol), money in cards, etc... Heck, I remember when she bought me a Coleco Vision way back in the early 80’s.

My grandmother on my mothers side and I were close but mainly when I was on vacation in FL when I was younger. She would take me out to the beach, shopping and movies. Since I’ve moved here back in 2013 I’ve maybe seen her a handful of times and yes, my fault.

Her husband, my step-grandfather, same situation.

My aunt and I werent ‘close’ but I cherished every time I was with her and my uncle. They owned a few restaurants in the Boca Raton area at separate times and loved eating there as she was the head chef at each one. She was a big car enthusiast and love driving anything with a manual. Last time I saw her was maybe 2011 as they were about to move to Lima, Peru and she had a e93 328i/6. Very charming woman who was very caring.

Lastly, my cousin Cynthia and I were very close growing up as I was always over her house growing up playing Coleco, Nintendo, watching TV, playing with her neighborhood friends and such. She was a bad girl though. Sneaking out of the house at nights to meet guys, lol. Truth to be told, she was a problem child and I saw so much stuff. I’ve always worried about her that she’ll end up with the wrong crowd and unfortunately it got her killed. As I got older we lost contact but the last time I saw her was around 2008.

IMHO, maybe I’m just blocking everything. Maybe I just don’t know how to deal with it. Haven’t cried at all for anyone, though maybe I should try? Not at this moment, though.
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      03-27-2019, 01:29 AM   #21
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When we worry about someone and don't want to see them get into the wrong crowd... it hurts us that much more because it's not uncommon to think may be I could have stopped it or should have intervened... if there is a component of excessive responsibility or blame with this loss then it would help to talk to a therapist. The same goes for the other ones if there is self-blame.

One of the things with grief is that we often do block it... say I help an old lady in the store and it reminds me of someone... I think now is not the time... unfortunately there is never a perfect time for tears. Grief can come on like a storm out of the blue. Everything might be great... weather is good, feet up, kids playing... then suddenly it strikes.

Talking is a part of healing so sharing your thoughts above is a great start... acknowledging the losses... describing your relationship... good and bad memories. You have to allow yourself to feel without blocking as much as possible. The more you block the harder it will be.

Imagine it this way when you have a moment to yourself... say your best buddy poured his heart out to you... he said he had suffered multiple losses... looked at you vacantly... what would you say to him?

Check in. Is any of your grief incomplete?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/b...complete-grief

In conclusion, multiple losses... it's like having a messy room you need to tidy. Where do you start? Many things are out of place so... take it a memory at a time or a person at a time... whatever comes. It's not about I should grieve for her first or him last... just as it comes... go through your belongings and put them in their place in the room. The messy room represents our scattered head and fragmented memories. When we don't talk about them or write them down then they get tossed into a corner and the room stays messy. Eventually you cannot move and then shut the room... a visitor comes over but you never let them in that room... you put your back to the door and tell them there is nothing in there... you walk past the door in the morning and sometimes even check the door is locked. Your job is to be inside that room and keep working on it.

May be worth a read:
https://www.victoriahospice.org/site...icultGrief.pdf
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      03-27-2019, 01:52 AM   #22
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I am surprised why OP not "dead" yet lols.
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