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      11-27-2020, 05:11 PM   #155
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My partner left me feeling like I'd been a complete c-nut once or twice in the early days, when all I'd done was try my best to look after kiddo... That particular move feels so harsh, because you've just been doing your best.

Beginning to wonder if maybe I'm the one who doesn't deal well with normal life, here
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      11-27-2020, 06:14 PM   #156
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Very interesting. I don't think I've noticed any if those symptoms in her...or at least none that aren't more likely to be pregnancy related. She has literally said though 'it's not a libido problem'. So...I don't know.

Kudos to you for sticking it out and working through it. I'm glad things are improving!


If she's saying it's not a libido problem then what's she doing to satisfy herself? Obviously, she is saying the want is there. Who or what is taking care of that for her or does she just ignore it? From a woman's standpoint, yes she may have things going on with her but there is something about you that isn't doing it/problematic for her. I don't say this to be mean or get you down. It sounds like it's not bad enough for her to walk away but it's a barrier for her to connect with you physically. If she isn't talking/communicating with you, you can't fix what you don't know.

I know people don't want to walk away because of fear of not seeing their kids, etc. As humans, most crave physically attention from those they love and it's not something you should deny someone you love. Also, you may both be present in your home but it's not good for your kids to grow up not seeing affection/love between their parents.
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      11-28-2020, 08:44 PM   #157
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Sometimes it gets down to this:
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      11-28-2020, 08:49 PM   #158
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So far, so good
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      11-29-2020, 02:12 AM   #159
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Originally Posted by Tambohamilton View Post
Thanks for the replies.

I figure I've got to stay, realistically. I just need to work out how to make that positive.




Yes, nonexistent except fo reproduction purposes only... I find it hard to deal with that; can't switch off the urge. Partner acknowledges that it's an issue, but at the same time can offer no solution. She's petrified I might leave (I've made it clear repeatedly that I want to stay), but can't offer any sort of plan. It's not just sex that's gone; it's any form of physical affection; hugs etc etc...gone.

Going to see a doctor to try and separate what is likely some depression from the relationship issues. I'm very aware that it seems shallow to split up the family basically because I don't get sex...but at the same time it constantly gets me down.

Counsellor would offer more ideas for sure, but my partner can't bring herself to be part of the sessions. Going to stop the sessions for the foreseeable - not very helpful since we can only deal with my side of the story. Initial proposals were some ways for us to show some affection, without any pressure. But turns out that if you don't feel the urge to show affection, and nobody asks you for affection......yeah.

Looks like I need a spoonful of concrete!

I have to agree with another person's comment, it's better to leave than to stay 'just for the kids'. Kids are hardy and adapt easily to change, and they will get over it. Whats not acceptable is to bring them up in the illusion of mommy and daddy being unhappy (no affection, no genuine love), and that's the ideal on how relationships are supposed to be. Lotta people out there who didn't learn what it is to be giving, understanding, and a real companion because of this.
You can always teach them who loves them, but you cant unteach a broken home.

As for 'turning off the urge', that is inhumane and unfair to you as a human being. Marriage comes with the idea that you are to rely on this person for your sexual needs for the rest of your life (it goes both ways). I think people don't recognize this when they commit. The other person will have wants when you don't feel like it, and vice versa (or so it should go).
Also, who's to say if you left that life wouldn't improve for the better?

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      11-29-2020, 08:42 AM   #160
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Just celebrated 11 yrs married - looking back i see a lot of creative problem solving - and the willingness to forgive and forget on both sides.

One of the most simple ways to solve problems in a marriage is 15 mins or so of eye contact conversion uninterrupted. If you don't have that connection then you can often lose your empathy - once the empathy levels go down - treating each other subpar is easier.

Neither party deserves to be treated average, period. You got married for love, now start loving damnit.
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      11-29-2020, 12:56 PM   #161
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Kids are hardy and adapt easily to change, and they will get over it.

This is incorrect, for myself, and anyone else I knew. Studies prove otherwise also. I would have taken my parents screaming, throwing shit sexless miserable pieces of shit, then what happened at 8.

Selfishly someone can tell themselves that, but kids (outside the screaming) would much rather have them together. And quite frankly, is probably a #1 problem in our society today, not having 2 parents to raise, help and support. (yea thats not real successful in sep. homes as they move on with their next family)

That doesn't mean kids of 2 parents don't get in trouble, but there success rate is MUCH higher, in all aspects'
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      11-30-2020, 08:10 AM   #162
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Kids are hardy and adapt easily to change, and they will get over it.

This is incorrect, for myself, and anyone else I knew. Studies prove otherwise also. I would have taken my parents screaming, throwing shit sexless miserable pieces of shit, then what happened at 8.

Selfishly someone can tell themselves that, but kids (outside the screaming) would much rather have them together. And quite frankly, is probably a #1 problem in our society today, not having 2 parents to raise, help and support. (yea thats not real successful in sep. homes as they move on with their next family)

That doesn't mean kids of 2 parents don't get in trouble, but there success rate is MUCH higher, in all aspects'
It's interesting reading peoples' opinions there. My parents divorced when I was 22ish - years after I left home. They were (are still) good parents, so I didn't have what I'd consider to be a bad time when i was growing up. However since they separated I have always said I wish they'd just gone their separate ways much much sooner. Looking back at my teenage years I can see now that they were miserable together...it seems like such a waste, and I know it didn't help the atmosphere at home. My sisters did a lot of ballet which my mum transported them around for, and my dad worked 7 days a week for years (fisherman) - I think both of those were convenient/constructive reasons for them not to be in the house together (though they were back every night).

My partner and I get on fine day to day, except the odd disagreement (no shouting etc), so I don't think it's negatively affecting kiddo... If it does get bad, I know I'll be weighing up my options more carefully. At the moment leaving doesn't feel like an option, which I guess does contribute to me feeling more stuck.
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      11-30-2020, 10:01 AM   #163
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Yea 8 vs 22 big difference, and looking back at 22 with "adult" perspective. I look around today, seems worse. Just coverage and security alone, then add in financial and emotional stability.

Not saying I wouldn't leave a marriage JUST because of kids, but I might hold on a few years longer b/c of them.

I gave up "not about me" when I had them, in many senses.
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      11-30-2020, 10:14 AM   #164
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There is a lot to consider if you split up in regards to kids, especially the impact of the inevitable new partner acting as a second dad. Small kids almost always seek comfort with their mothers, it is just the way it is, you can find yourself on the outside looking in very, very quickly.

Dynamics are important too. If the woman sort of spoils the kid a bit and the dad is the disciplinarian, when you separate the dad is instantly the bad guy. Again, especially if the new guy comes in splashing around toys and other gifts that you purposely withheld because too much is no good for the kid. You can lose control of the framework of your parenting very quickly.
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      11-30-2020, 10:40 AM   #165
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alfisti View Post
There is a lot to consider if you split up in regards to kids, especially the impact of the inevitable new partner acting as a second dad. Small kids almost always seek comfort with their mothers, it is just the way it is, you can find yourself on the outside looking in very, very quickly.

Dynamics are important too. If the woman sort of spoils the kid a bit and the dad is the disciplinarian, when you separate the dad is instantly the bad guy. Again, especially if the new guy comes in splashing around toys and other gifts that you purposely withheld because too much is no good for the kid. You can lose control of the framework of your parenting very quickly.
We definitely see things much the same way. And I'm the disciplinarian for the most part, and if it weren't for my wife supporting me and backing me up to the kids, I'm certain I'd be the bad guy in my kids mind. Probably already am to a degree. Not super positive my oldest even loves me to be honest despite my wife constantly reassuring me that he does.

But I grew up in a house where we got the wooden spoon applied for all sorts of stuff and I grew up the better for it. So there is no way I'm going to withhold discipline either from my kids because I do see the benefits. Although, it does have to be done in a loving manner too which my parents were always good at.

But it was amusing to hear my eldest (who just turned 6) describe the hierarchy of power in the house. He's like:
"First it is God who is in control of everything. Then it's you Daddy who is the boss of Mommy and us. And then it's Mommy who is the boss. But you can tell Mommy no if you wanted to."

Which is true, but it necessitated a conversation with him about how much I love Mommy and so if she said something should be done, it would be very rare for me to use my position to override her. And because she knows that I love her and believes that I'm making a decision for the best of the family, she would submit to that decision in that rare case. But that mostly, Daddy and Mommy always agree on the way things should be done...though what wasn't shared was the discussions that happen behind the scenes between us where we sometimes change each others minds lol. Because we definitely don't always agree initially. Most times we are pretty much on the same page though which is nice.
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      11-30-2020, 11:05 AM   #166
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We have clashed in regards to my eldest, and by clashed I mean absolutely gone to town arguing. I feel she has thrown way too many toys at him, is too easy on him and let's him off the hook too often. I could see from a very early age, maybe 3 to 4, that he needed a firm hand. He does everything in a bare minimum fashion, started lying early and generally had to work for nothing.

I raised a red flag early, missus saying i grew up deprived so just wan to pass that onto my kids. That is not the case at all, the constant gift giving, from a small kinder egg every day to half a dozen birthday presents at once, had me up in arms. His grades were excellent but I kept seeing "easily distracted" on his report card and continued to raise flags with the wife who continued to argue vociferously that I was an ass.

I also noticed an increasing trend of an inability to focus, just getting ready for school is arduous, bed time he would draw it out to a 45 minute process as of age 5 and I'd have to go downstairs to avoid a confrontation with the wife in front of him then she would come down and ream me out for not staying until he was in bed.

He is now 9 and the reality is become clear. Got his first D- for a test this year, lied to us and the teacher that he did his homework when he didn't, found dozens of candy wrappers under his bed. It is unravelling, and I saw it coming and now the work needed to repair this is going to take years instead of nipping it in the bud years ago.

She now admits she didn't see it coming but no apology at all, just wants to focus n how to fix it which is now my issue apparently. So how can I let another man into this realm, you think he is going to be as firm as I am? By 15 my kid would be lost, he needs me to guide him.
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      11-30-2020, 11:37 AM   #167
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I broke it off with my girlfriend of 8-years last week.

Now, she's still living with me, but hasn't packed a single bag, or done anything to hint at preparing to move out. This could end up being fun.

I've already looked up an eviction lawyer.
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      11-30-2020, 12:03 PM   #168
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8 years, damn. Never thought to get married?
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      11-30-2020, 01:33 PM   #169
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8 years, damn. Never thought to get married?
Long story, but I always knew this was going to happen.
Hoping things improve is a bitch of a feeling to get over.
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      11-30-2020, 04:20 PM   #170
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Kids are hardy and adapt easily to change, and they will get over it.
Agreed. My wife's parents divorced when she was 5. It crushed her that her dad left. Her mom tried her hardest to keep her dad out of the picture as well just because that's how she is. My wife is 45 and still struggles with the divorce and general lack of a dad as she grew up. I have a number of friends that grew up in divorced homes. They've all said it was terrible and exhausting. The kid's weekends were wrecked because they are constantly getting transported around, the parents saying things about the the other parent they shouldn't to the kids, fights about money amongst the parents, and lots of a boyfriend/girlfriend/stepparent issues. I don't have a single friend from a divorced home that wishes it on anyone.

Marriage and kids:

1) Before you get married, think damn hard about how much you're willing to compromise.

2) Once married, accept compromise and work through your issues like an adult.

3) Think damn hard about bringing kids into this world and your marriage.

4) Once you have kids, you must be prepared to compromise with your partner as you'll often be at odds about what you view as best for the kids.


Kids will DEFINITELY not help a compromised marriage. Having kids is full of compromise and you can pretty much forget about having much "you time" or alone time with your partner for the first 10-13 years of a child's life.
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      11-30-2020, 04:21 PM   #171
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Hoping things improve is a bitch of a feeling to get over.
I think I know what you mean. I hope it's at least a peaceful split. Good luck!


I picked up some antidepressants today, after a phone call to my doctor. Hopefully levelling me out a bit will make the world seem a better place!
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      12-01-2020, 08:22 AM   #172
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Sometimes i wonder if kids simply aren't taught about the sanctity of marriage and the importance of choosing your partner wisely. You have to know your true north and your likes and dislikes before you tie the knot. I was 28, my wife 26, when we got married - i knew, from observing others, that kids are what affect the most change in a marriage - due to a whole host of reasons. But for the life of me, i cannot understand divorce. Or remarrying, sharing custody, etc. It sounds like such a nightmare. Why can't the couple just forgive and love each other? Of course the answers are complicated, but life is complicated! Each individual needs to have a system in place for their marriage to work harmoniously. Having said all that, if there is infidelity, physical or mental abuse, or drugs and alcohol, that's different.

When i was a little guy, i'd leave church wondering how couples expected to start together without God in their lives. And church, although not mandatory, is a big part of putting God in a person or families life. But people these days seem to know better. They don't make God a priority, they don't go to church for various reasons. And then when life really gets rough, they wonder where their support and love is. Hell even this season of Covid I'd not want to attempt navigating without our church family. It's not obvious, it's not mandatory, it's not easy, church. But it serves as a weekly reminder, be kind, patient, forgiving, etc. Does church stop divorce? Of course not. But I wouldn't wanna try marriage without God in the center. Too many bridges had to be made in a marriage that i'm not capable of building on my own.

My wife comes from a family that divorced when she was 8. I know enough to know it's complicated and very very messy. And to this day, it's still complicated and messy.
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Sounds pizzagatey.
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      12-01-2020, 09:11 AM   #173
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Your problem there is god doesn't exist and is a figment of your imagination.
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      12-01-2020, 09:52 AM   #174
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Your problem there is god doesn't exist and is a figment of your imagination.
Yeah, my parents were atheist and happily married for 42 years. If not for a rare cancer they'd probably still be happily married. Communication, spending time together and compromise seemed to be the secret. I'm still learning the last part.
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      12-01-2020, 10:31 AM   #175
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Your problem there is god doesn't exist and is a figment of your imagination.
Daily reminded of your joy for life and how much of a pleasant chap you are.
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      12-01-2020, 10:50 AM   #176
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Originally Posted by floridaorange View Post
Sometimes i wonder if kids simply aren't taught about the sanctity of marriage and the importance of choosing your partner wisely. You have to know your true north and your likes and dislikes before you tie the knot. I was 28, my wife 26, when we got married - i knew, from observing others, that kids are what affect the most change in a marriage - due to a whole host of reasons. But for the life of me, i cannot understand divorce. Or remarrying, sharing custody, etc. It sounds like such a nightmare. Why can't the couple just forgive and love each other? Of course the answers are complicated, but life is complicated! Each individual needs to have a system in place for their marriage to work harmoniously. Having said all that, if there is infidelity, physical or mental abuse, or drugs and alcohol, that's different.

When i was a little guy, i'd leave church wondering how couples expected to start together without God in their lives. And church, although not mandatory, is a big part of putting God in a person or families life. But people these days seem to know better. They don't make God a priority, they don't go to church for various reasons. And then when life really gets rough, they wonder where their support and love is. Hell even this season of Covid I'd not want to attempt navigating without our church family. It's not obvious, it's not mandatory, it's not easy, church. But it serves as a weekly reminder, be kind, patient, forgiving, etc. Does church stop divorce? Of course not. But I wouldn't wanna try marriage without God in the center. Too many bridges had to be made in a marriage that i'm not capable of building on my own.

My wife comes from a family that divorced when she was 8. I know enough to know it's complicated and very very messy. And to this day, it's still complicated and messy.
Agreed - I'm a Christian and so is my wife. If we didn't have God centering us, there are a lot of disagreements that could have gone a lot further and a lot worse. But ultimately, because we have a center we agree with, we have common ground, and always find our way back and can see our own faults and seek forgiveness for them.

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Your problem there is god doesn't exist and is a figment of your imagination.
But what does he have to lose if he's wrong? He tried to be a good person, tried to be kind, and tried to love...all good qualities. And if he was wrong, then he dies and nothing happens.

But your potential problem if you are wrong is so much bigger. What if there was a God and you actively fought him your entire life and died? And were judged and went to Hell?

Then again, I'm a Christian so I have an outlook like his.

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Daily reminded of your joy for life and how much of a pleasant chap you are.
He does have a certain zest for life doesn't he? My theory is that it stems from having been born in a place where pretty much every living thing can kill you, and IS trying to kill you.
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