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Scott Waters on his trip to England a few years ago:
Almost everyone is very polite
The food is generally outstanding
There are no guns
There are too many narrow stairs
Everything is just a little bit different
The pubs close too early
The reason they drive on the left is because all their cars are built backwards
Pubs are not bars, they are community living rooms.
You’d better like peas, potatoes and sausage
Refrigerators and washing machines are very small
Everything is generally older, smaller and shorter
People don’t seem to be afraid of their neighbors or the government
Their paper money makes sense, the coins don’t
Everyone has a washing machine but driers are rare
Hot and cold water faucets. Remember them?
Pants are called “trousers”, underwear are “pants” and sweaters are “jumpers”
The bathroom light is a string hanging from the ceiling
“Fanny” is a naughty word, as is “shag”
All the signs are well designed with beautiful typography and written in full sentences with proper grammar.
There’s no dress code
Doors close by themselves, but they don’t always open
They eat with their forks upside down
The English are as crazy about their gardens as Americans are about cars
They don’t seem to use facecloths or napkins or maybe they’re just neater then [sic] we are
The wall outlets all have switches, some don’t do anything
There are hardly any cops or police cars
5,000 year ago, someone arranged a lot of rocks all over, but no one is sure why
Everything comes with chips, which are French fries. You put vinegar on them
Cookies are “biscuits” and potato chips are “crisps”
HP sauce is better then catsup
Obama is considered a hero, Bush is considered an idiot.
After fish and chips, curry is the most popular food
The water controls in showers need detailed instructions
They can boil anything
Folks don’t always lock their bikes
It’s not unusual to see people dressed different and speaking different languages
Your electronic devices will work fine with just a plug adapter
Nearly everyone is better educated then we are
If someone buys you a drink you must do the same
There are no guns
Look right, walk left. Again; look right, walk left. You’re welcome.
Avoid British wine and French beer
It’s not that hard to eat with the fork in your left hand with a little practice. If you don’t, everyone knows you’re an American
Many of the roads are the size of our sidewalks
There’s no AC
Instead of turning the heat up, you put on a jumper
Gas is “petrol”, it costs about $6 a gallon and is sold by the liter
If you speed on a motorway, you get a ticket. Period. Always
You don’t have to tip, really!
Scotland, Wales, Ireland and Cornwall really are different countries
Only 14% of Americans have a passport, everyone in the UK does
You pay the price marked on products because the taxes (VAT) are built in
Walking is the national pastime
Their TV looks and sounds much better then ours
They took the street signs down during WWII, but haven’t put them all back up yet
Everyone enjoys a good joke
There are no guns
Dogs are very well behaved and welcome everywhere
There are no window screens
You can get on a bus and end up in Paris
Everyone knows more about our history then we do
Radio is still a big deal. The BBC is quite good
The newspapers can be awful
Everything costs the same but our money is worth less so you have to add 50% to the price to figure what you’re paying
Beer comes in large, completely filled, actual pint glasses and the closer the brewery the better the beer
Butter and eggs aren’t refrigerated
The beer isn’t warm, each style is served at the proper temperature
Cider (alcoholic) is quite good.
Excess cider consumption can be very painful.
The universal greeting is “Cheers” (pronounced “cheeahz” unless you are from Cornwall, then it’s “chairz”)
The money is easy to understand: 1-2-5-10-20-50 pence, then-£1-£2-£5-£10, etc bills. There are no quarters.
Their cash makes ours look like Monopoly money
Cars don’t have bumper stickers
Many doorknobs, buildings and tools are older than America
By law, there are no crappy, old cars
When the sign says something was built in 456, they didn’t lose the “1”
Cake is is pudding, ice cream is pudding, anything served for desert is pudding, even pudding
BBC 4 is NPR
Everything closes by 1800 (6pm)
Very few people smoke, those who do often roll their own
You’re defined by your accent
No one in Cornwall knows what the hell a Cornish Game Hen is
Soccer is a religion, religion is a sport
Europeans dress better then the British, we dress worse
The trains work: a three minute delay is regrettable
Drinks don’t come with ice
There are far fewer fat English people
There are a lot of healthy old folks around participating in life instead of hiding at home watching tv
If you’re over 60, you get free tv and bus and rail passes.
They don’t use Bose anything anywhere
Displaying your political or religious affiliation is considered very bad taste
Every pub has a pet drunk
Their healthcare works, but they still bitch about it
Cake is one of the major food groups
Their coffee is mediocre but their tea is wonderful
There are still no guns
Towel warmers!
Cheers”
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