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The first person to die that truly affected me was my grandmother. She and I were very close. It physically made me sick and I had a very difficult time with it. After a few days I seemed to acclimate to the situation and felt better that she was free of her cancerous meat suit and was no longer in pain.
When my father died it was a completely different experience. It was suicide and there was no note. He had been diagnosed with cancer the year before but had surgery and had it removed. He had also undergone a traumatic experience 2 months prior to his death and I feel this was the deciding factor. Without explanation or closure of why he chose to end his life, this caused a great deal of mixed emotions while trying to move on. This process took well over a year of therapy, medications and a lot of alone time trying to mentally process. Ultimately what helped I don't feel is a topic for conversation in this thread but eventually I did come to find peace with it.
As stated above, everyone grieves differently. I can't help but feel that maybe you are suppressing those emotions for one reason or another. At the end of the day as long as you aren't emotionally upset by any of it, especially concerning the fact that you haven't grieved, I wouldn't allow it to bother me too much. The post you have made inquiring does make me think that it bothers you that you haven't grieved. With this being the case I would be more concerned with these things compounding and hitting you all at once when you least expect it.
Might not be a bad idea to seek a small amount of counseling over it. It would beneficial to process and understand why you either won't or can't grieve versus it hitting you out of the blue. The human psyche is fragile thing and depression is no joke once it hits you. It takes a very mentally astute individual to overcome it whether it be on their own, with therapy or meds (which I do not recommend).
As stated on a video that I recently watched concerning anti-depressants. "Using medication to cure depression is like playing darts with something you assume is a dart in a dark room where there may or may not be a dartboard present."
Good luck and I hope for a positive outcome.
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