[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Sedan_Clan

Ok ladies and gents, I'll present a scenario and I want honest feedback.

So….

…my career field doesn't really provide me with holidays off most of the time. My station does a lottery type approach to Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day; essentially everybody will get one of those four days off.

In July of this year, Hottie Attorney was asked to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for New Year's Eve (….prior to anything official happening between her and I in terms of relationship status/title although we had been casually dating ever since April of 2020). I've known about the trip since July, but I didn't think much of it initially. One of her friends played with the idea of it being a couples trip if I could find a guy friend for her, but that wasn't something I could commit to.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. Hottie Attorney asked me if I felt left out/slighted because I wasn't formally invited. Choosing not to be "that guy," I told her I didn't mind. I didn't want to come across controlling or anything. For the record, she has gone on many girl's-only trips, so that's not the crux of the issue. In any case, I asked for Christmas Eve off because she holds that day in high(er) regard, but I was given New Year's Eve off instead. I had hoped that being presented with that information she would have taken it upon herself to decide to spend it with me since I'm off work. When that didn't happen, I started to develop a bit of resentment because I would've done that for her. To me, New Year's Eve can be significant when you're in a relationship and it began to bother me.

On Tuesday night I finally said something……at 2am. Admittedly it wasn't ideal timing considering it was the middle of the night and considering she has been really stressed at work. It also didn't help that Sunday and Monday she could feel a shift in my energy, but she didn't understand why. In that moment, I basically released everything that had been building up, and it blindsided her a bit. Generally speaking, our communication is fantastic, but in that moment there was a breakdown. I take responsibility for not bringing it up sooner; for allowing it to fester. While we both consider it a minor hiccup that wasn't damaging (…and was a small ordeal in the grand scheme of the relationship), I can't help but question whether I should've made a big deal about it. To me, the issue surrounding spending that evening together means something. She admitted that it was a lapse of judgment on her part not to acknowledge my availability and to attempt to consider other options. We both carry responsibility in this, but I do feel bad because she's shouldering a lot at work and this issue just added more stress because she had an opportunity to decline to go, but when asked I didn't speak up at the time. Now there's some tension. Not relationship ending tension, but tension nonetheless…..and I feel like we took a slight step backwards from a mostly forward progressing and healthy relationship.

My heart was in the right place. I just want to be with her that evening. It will fill awkward being off and us not being together. I know if the shoe were on the other foot and I went to Las Vegas instead of spending it with her - knowing she was available - she would feel some type of way about that (…and probably question my priorities). She told me she would rethink the trip, but if she decides to spend it with me, will there be resentment? If she decides to go, what does that say about our relationship, my voiced concerns and her priorities? I dunno. I'm trapped in a whirlwind of perplexity. Thoughts?

My brother from another mother....look at you being all adultish and shit. Well done, proud of both of you. Shit like this makes me smile.

Here are my thoughts. You have every right to communicate how you feel, just as you would want the same from her. Don't hold anything in, just as you wouldn't want the same from her. I completely understand where you are coming from. Now, if she goes on the trip, there could be resentment from your end. If she stays and spends time with you, as much as you'll enjoy the time, if you're anything like me; you'll wonder whether or not she is pretending not to be upset, by not going, and spending the time with you. This type of thinking is flawed, I recognize it and don't fall into this mentality. It's self-defeating.


I personally like to challenge myself on weird little things. Situations, conversations or even just mental or emotional concerns, I feel I need to work on. This would be one of those times for me. You have already had the conversation, she understands how you feel. Whatever her decision is, just be good with that and let it go. If she goes on the trip, be happy for her and let her have a good time. Do not make her feel guilty for it later. If she chooses to stay and spend the time with you, eat that shit up and show her how much you appreciate that decision.

Relationships aren't easy and situations get stressful; it's all in how you handle it. When you're at the gym and you're on your 3rd or 4th set, shaking, muscles are damn near to failure....do you drop the weight, get upset and say nah fuck this? Nope, you keep pushing until you reach failure or the end of your set. Mentally, it's the same thing. Some topics need focus & attention and must be discussed, some need the same attention, and that attention needs only to be resolved internally. The discussion has been had, let her make the decision and you be happy with whatever she does, because at the end of it, she is still coming back to you regardless. That shows her intent. This is way more than what most people get in relationships these days.

Something I noticed in your post is the "I would do this for her, let's see if she does it for me" and expectations based off how we would handle a situation. This is an extremely slippery slope. This is what put the fear uncertainty and doubt in my relationship. Something to keep in the back of your mind is that, people tend to treat people how they would like to be treated themselves. When a person goes out of their way to act toward an individual, that does not reciprocate the same behavior; this creates animosity quickly. Something I have learned recently is that you can't always expect the same in return. People tend to love with whatever capacity they have. If you know, with certainty, where she is in the relationship; if she goes on the trip it shouldn't bother you. You are the priority, this is just a trip and timing was off; that simple.

Originally Posted by ///d

First off, you have every right to vent your feelings and frustrations. It sounds like both of you are at an understanding about it, so don't dwell on it, learn from it and move on. What's done is done. Every relationship will have those moments, it's how you move forward that matters.

Now, I can only speak for myself and how I would feel in that situation. I'm a pretty easy going "it is what it is" type of guy, so keep that in mind.

Because of your relationship status when you learned of the trip, and the uncertainty of days off and the inability to say yes when it was first brought up, if it were me I would brush it off and toss it up as a "the timing just didn't work out" type of thing. Yes, the plans can be changed now that you know you have NYE off, but we are a just a few weeks away and at this point everything is already planned out and in place as far as her trip. If it were me, I'd tell her she's worked hard and deserves her trip and to have fun, especially since it was already a thing before you became what you are now. When she gets back you can spend plenty of quality time together. Try to let go of that resentment. I don't think it's a matter of priorities, this was something thats shes been planning and likely excited about for a while.

My girl takes trips for her business a lot that are also "fun" trips. Sometimes they happen to be right when I get home from long trainings or whatever and while I would love to spend that time with her, I know those trips are important to her and she works hard to make them happen, and I don't want to take that away from her. Her happiness is my priority.

Great response.